I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
