Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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