The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
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Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
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If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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