We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
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He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
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I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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