You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
