What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
