im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
