I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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