I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
