Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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