Sry I called you an 8
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
