Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
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