Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
