do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
