The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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