So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
