i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
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One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
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I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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