he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
