That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
