I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
