so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
