i'm lost and i look like a hooker
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
