Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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