the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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