If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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