I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
