I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
