If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
