Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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