my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
