i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
