Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
