How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
