need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
