Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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