i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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