Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
