i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
