after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
