I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
