eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm bleeding and have questions
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
