I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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