I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
