if you like me you must not know who I am
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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