girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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