There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You ate ashes out of my bong
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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