Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
