I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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