wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
