Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
