Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
