There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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