i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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