Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
