I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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