It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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