mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I need to stop coming to work sober
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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